‘so tell me more about yourself.’
i’ve heard this question so many times over the few weeks.
and each time the same bewilderment strikes me – complete freeze for few seconds, posture change, deep breathe.
and then i start my not-so-well rehearsed speech because well, i find this question a freaking pain of weirdo!
in a perfect world, where i would not have to be restrained by social etiquettes and rules, my answer will look something like this:
i am impatient. you could ask me to do anything in this world except waiting. for anything. or anyone.
if a brilliant idea pops into my head, if i think i need something or need to go somewhere or any other idea that comes from WANTING, well i do have to have it.
i need to go to the place.
i need to meet the person.
i need to cook the cake.
i need to buy the bag.
i need to write the story.
you name it.
whatever it is, i will want it done my time, my way, my rules.
why..? because why not?
why not work for dreams, for passions, for desires that are born somewhere deeper than a material surface of social rules and layers.
if my soul demands it, my soul will have it.
talking about time, i like to be on time.
and i like other people to be on time.
time is expensive. we don’t have unlimited time in this life, so please! please, do not waste my time.
i am a dreamer. i have always been. i will always be.
my dreams got me where i am today and if there is one thing that keeps me going, it’s that.
the need, the lust, the do-or-die sensation that i need to full fill my vision. my dreams.
i do not trust easily. or you call it – trust issues.
been through quite a lot of stuff in my life, and even if i sometimes i look like an open person, i can count the most important people in my life on the fingers of my hands.
i do not bond or open easily to people, but with the people dearest to my i have bond real relationships. the kind of relationships, that sometimes you don’t wanna share with the world. the type of relationships when people understand each other only from looks and touches. the type of people that you know you will keep in your life, even if continents will be between you at some point in life.
the type of people that are wander, but are not lost.
these are my people.
i am insecure. i have bad days. and i have good days regarding the amount of self-love i can deal with.
i love to cook. but i do not like to follow recipes. and i most definitely cannot memorise them.
i do cook, but by my own rules. if the book tells me to add the spices at the end of the recipes, i will most likely fry mine before anything else goes in.
i cannot tell jokes. for the life of me, i can’t memorise or tell at least one.
i like to paint, by i have zero talent. and i still do it from time to time, in the hope that maybe some divine inspiration will come down on my canvas and will make me mix those colours into a perfect masterpiece.
i love to run. i looove love to run.
i run to the point of exhaustion, to the point of loosing my breathe.
i will still run past that point most of the times.
because running connects me with my inner self in a way that no other thing has done it for me before.
i have bad days. depressed days. days when you betta’ stay the hell away from me.
why? i think it is because sometimes i am so receptive to all the energy around me that i cannot defend myself against it.
i am the kind of person who will start crying because there are so many children dying in exactly this moment all around the globe.
and i will be angry because that poor man at the end of the street had to stay another night in the cold, while my first-world problem this morning was ‘what should i wear today?’
and i start weeping when i see so many sad, worried and angry faces around me.
yes, sometimes am like that. and i cannot help it.
and i wish i had a power to take all the suffering away.
most of the days, one of my biggest desire is to listen to people’s thoughts.
this has been something i wanted to do since i was a child.
why? because human beings are gigantically interesting and there are so many things that are real behind the masks that we all put on each morning.
i also love books. and dogs.
and pretty things. and fashion.
and i am planning to built a big farm in the middle of nowhere where i can raise animals, have like 100 dogs and a massive library. a Hogwarts -style library.
i believe in magic. in miracles.
and i believe in souls mates. sometimes. i’d like to say most of the times, but life’s tough sometimes, my friends.
i like to keep lists and plans and create dream maps.
they keep me sane on my sad-depressed-angry days.
and i love to listen to music. any time of the day.
i love to put my headphones in, play some powerful, not-main street beats and just be carried away in my zone.
you will find me most of the times zoning out of conversations – that because what you say is not interesting(sometimes people do find really bad topics), but because the stories and ideas in my head need to be put into action or require my full attention, that i will completely zone out.
and i am sorry for it. sometimes.
not most of the times, because my mind is such a funny and delightful place. and i love it.
i am still learning the art of letting go.
and of being present in the moment.
i also have the travel-bug. i wake up in the middle of the night sometimes dreaming about places,faces and new adventures that wait for me.
i day-dream about it too. i plan it in my head all the time: the next country i will go to, the people i can meet, the stories i will hear.
i day-dream about queuing up at the Customs, and just boarding on a plane and go.
that’s how badly am affected by it.
and lastly, i am imperfect, ridiculous and absurd.
i am a whole lot of things.
a whole lot of other things define me. even tho i hate rules and patterns, this things define me.
and excuse me for not being perfect, or fitting into your tight-ass social pattern.
at the end of the day, when all the masks are down, and the only person in the room is the one that stares me right in the eyes from the mirror, is a HUMAN.
i am HUMAN.
and so are you.
let’s embrace that and go from there.
let’s live personal realities and stop trying to impress a society that is not real anyway.
this would be my true answer for anyone who would ask me the weird question. i think it will really be my answer next time i’m asked this question.
what would your answer be? are you brave enough to write it down at least for you to read it?
I dare you.
Peace and Love,