I Feel

This is how a ‘bad day’ feels like.

Not a lot of people know or are aware of this, but I’ve been fighting my own mind for a very long time.

In the last couple of months this fight has materialised  in a very debilitating case of anxiety. And I’m scared of going to the doctor, because that would mean admitting I have got a problem that I cannot control or fix on my own.

My partner asked me the other day how anxiety feels like. And besides the fact that I froze and panicked, and did not know how to explain to him how it feels like, you know what was the worst part? I was so ashamed that he’s got to deal with this, even though it is not his problem, but my own issue to sort. I was ashamed that I cannot bring a whole being with a healthy mind into our relationship..

And because I own it to myself more than anything, I think the time has come to seek out help.

And I am sharing these thoughts here with the world, because I think it’s time to stop judging others based on what we see on the outside, because some of us really fight hard battles with ourselves on a daily basis, but also because I owe an explanation to one of the most important people in my life – this below is an insight into my daily and continue battle with myself.

Of course, some days are better than others, especially the days (moments) when I am in control of everything I do, but when the low/panic  days(moments) arrive, this below is how I feel like.

I feel like everything comes crashing down on me at the same time, and even normal daily stuff like calling a plumber or sorting something that broke around the house, or even sending an email to my landlord – all of these things make me anxious and scared. Scared how? Well for instance I don’t want to say something in that email that will make my landlord evict me, and I will be homeless. Silly perhaps, but this is how my thought process goes.

It’s feeling powerless because I’m stuck in another job that doesn’t fit my true nature, and it’s feeling like I’m running out of time to do all the important things I always dreamt of doing.

It’s putting on a fake smile on and looking at myself in the mirror, and being disappointed with what I see, but still lying to myself and carrying on with my day even though all I want to do is crawl under a rock and become as little as a grain of sand.

Is feeling like I don’t deserve this amazing person I have found, and expecting every day to receive a message saying that ‘the love is gone’ and that was it.

Is receiving a phone call telling me that my mother or sister are not well and I am unable to get to them because I am so far away.

Is feeling not good enough for anything or anyone in my life, no matter what I achieve, or how I look like.

Is avoiding eye-contact with strangers on the street sometimes, because I am afraid that if I look them in the eyes, I can feel the pain and sorrow they are carrying. A pain that I am unable to help with or fix.

Is starting to cry for no apparent reason, and only stopping after sobbing for a good while.

Is a feeling of loneliness that never goes away – even when people tell you that “they’re there for you”, I don’t want to disappoint or scare away the most important people in my life.

Is laying in bed at night and crying until I fall asleep because there are people out there without a home, freezing to death, and children are starving, and women are being raped and animals are being tortured every minute of every day.

And most basically. Is not feeling of any use or benefit to the world and people around you.  

Some people might want to say “just get over yourself” and carry on with your life and think POSITIVE.

I used to be one of those people. But it is not easy to do so once something triggers a mental problem. And it’s clearly becoming really hard to pretend nothing is wrong, and that some days I don’t even know who I am.

Anxiety and mental problems is not something to joke about, make fun of or condemn. Making fun of someone because they are “crazy” or “not in the right mind” or “they’re just attention-seekers” is not fair. We’re all complex being, with our own struggles and wars to lead. 

And some of us weren’t as lucky of being thought how to process emotions, and for some of us is hard to cope with life and this hard world some days.

“So many parts to a heavy heart” – it’s something that comes to my mind right now – what I’ve learned during my years of struggle is that fighting against our true nature (by doing something that doesn’t feel right, sometimes for instant or material gratification) creates an imbalance in the mind also. And without the right help and without having tools in place to control that imbalance, is very hard to cope with life.

I want to get better, I want to feel like a whole person that can manage her feelings of powerlessness better, and I want to be proud of the person I become and the person I want to be for my future children.

May this be of benefit. May you, just like I need to, realise that is nothing wrong with asking for help and fighting for your life.

And in the darkest times, when your world is falling apart, please listen to this song.

We are not alone, we’re children of the same Mother, all interconnected and we all have a purpose, even though is hard to see that right now.. 

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