Not a lot of people know or are aware of this, but I’ve been fighting my own mind for a very long time.
In the last couple of months this fight has materialised in a very debilitating case of anxiety. And I’m scared of going to the doctor, because that would mean admitting I have got a problem that I cannot control or fix on my own.
My partner asked me the other day how anxiety feels like. And besides the fact that I froze and panicked, and did not know how to explain to him how it feels like, you know what was the worst part? I was so ashamed that he’s got to deal with this, even though it is not his problem, but my own issue to sort. I was ashamed that I cannot bring a whole being with a healthy mind into our relationship..
And because I own it to myself more than anything, I think the time has come to seek out help.
And I am sharing these thoughts here with the world, because I think it’s time to stop judging others based on what we see on the outside, because some of us really fight hard battles with ourselves on a daily basis, but also because I owe an explanation to one of the most important people in my life – this below is an insight into my daily and continue battle with myself.
Of course, some days are better than others, especially the days (moments) when I am in control of everything I do, but when the low/panic days(moments) arrive, this below is how I feel like.
I feel like everything comes crashing down on me at the same time, and even normal daily stuff like calling a plumber or sorting something that broke around the house, or even sending an email to my landlord – all of these things make me anxious and scared. Scared how? Well for instance I don’t want to say something in that email that will make my landlord evict me, and I will be homeless. Silly perhaps, but this is how my thought process goes.
It’s feeling powerless because I’m stuck in another job that doesn’t fit my true nature, and it’s feeling like I’m running out of time to do all the important things I always dreamt of doing.
It’s putting on a fake smile on and looking at myself in the mirror, and being disappointed with what I see, but still lying to myself and carrying on with my day even though all I want to do is crawl under a rock and become as little as a grain of sand.
Is feeling like I don’t deserve this amazing person I have found, and expecting every day to receive a message saying that ‘the love is gone’ and that was it.
Is receiving a phone call telling me that my mother or sister are not well and I am unable to get to them because I am so far away.
Is feeling not good enough for anything or anyone in my life, no matter what I achieve, or how I look like.
Is avoiding eye-contact with strangers on the street sometimes, because I am afraid that if I look them in the eyes, I can feel the pain and sorrow they are carrying. A pain that I am unable to help with or fix.
Is starting to cry for no apparent reason, and only stopping after sobbing for a good while.
Is a feeling of loneliness that never goes away – even when people tell you that “they’re there for you”, I don’t want to disappoint or scare away the most important people in my life.
Is laying in bed at night and crying until I fall asleep because there are people out there without a home, freezing to death, and children are starving, and women are being raped and animals are being tortured every minute of every day.
And most basically. Is not feeling of any use or benefit to the world and people around you.
Some people might want to say “just get over yourself” and carry on with your life and think POSITIVE.
I used to be one of those people. But it is not easy to do so once something triggers a mental problem. And it’s clearly becoming really hard to pretend nothing is wrong, and that some days I don’t even know who I am.
Anxiety and mental problems is not something to joke about, make fun of or condemn. Making fun of someone because they are “crazy” or “not in the right mind” or “they’re just attention-seekers” is not fair. We’re all complex being, with our own struggles and wars to lead.
And some of us weren’t as lucky of being thought how to process emotions, and for some of us is hard to cope with life and this hard world some days.
“So many parts to a heavy heart” – it’s something that comes to my mind right now – what I’ve learned during my years of struggle is that fighting against our true nature (by doing something that doesn’t feel right, sometimes for instant or material gratification) creates an imbalance in the mind also. And without the right help and without having tools in place to control that imbalance, is very hard to cope with life.
I want to get better, I want to feel like a whole person that can manage her feelings of powerlessness better, and I want to be proud of the person I become and the person I want to be for my future children.
May this be of benefit. May you, just like I need to, realise that is nothing wrong with asking for help and fighting for your life.
And in the darkest times, when your world is falling apart, please listen to this song.
We are not alone, we’re children of the same Mother, all interconnected and we all have a purpose, even though is hard to see that right now..
That must be my greatest skill. I could spend long hours, sometimes days inside my head, running through events that have happened and decisions that I have made.
‘Have I really made the right decision?’; ‘What if that’s not actually what I want to do?’; ‘I should have not said that.’
Making big life-changing decisions is always scary. That’s why most of us never take that step, we never end a relationship that is not making us happy, a job that is nowhere near what we want to do, we don’t say what’s on our mind because we’re scared not to hurt the people around us.
And when we fit into that pattern, and we try not to upset people, it makes us happy in the moment, because we think we’re good people. But all the ‘niceness’ piles up and starts eating us from inside. Why?
Well I think that happens because we forget to listen to our souls, we shut down the person that we’re meant to be somewhere inside by fooling ourselves with the idea that we’re doing the right thing.
I think ‘the right thing to do’ should never stop us from staying true to ourselves. Of course, there are exceptions from the rule, and the fact that you need to stay true to your soul and your dreams doesn’t mean you don’t care about the people around you, or that you have stop doing things that you’re supposed to do.
It means finding your voice and sharing your truth with everyone, in a kind and understanding way. Not everyone will understand your reasoning behind some of your decisions, but that’s not what we should be looking for.
Giving up the past, the what ifs and the fear is not easy. It’s a damn scary thing to do! But I’ve learned that once you make a decision that felt right in your heart, you have to trust the process.
If it works out, you carry on from there and your path will be more clear. If it doesn’t work out, you let it go, dust yourself off and try again.
That’s where true beauty lies. In the moments when we’re reminded we are small and vulnerable human beings, and there will be times when mistakes will be made, and times when good decisions were made.
And I think that happens to remind us that this journey is far more important than the final destination.
When what you feel, feels IRRELEVANT.
When what you listen to doesn’t inspire you anymore.
When what you write doesn’t sound like you anymore.
When what you experience are not feelings you choose to FEEL.
When the people around you only take but not give back.
It’s time to LET IT GO.
You’ve got the power every time.
Even when you think that power has been stollen, subdued from you.
Every moment it’s a chance to REINVENT yourself.
Yesterday’s ‘mistake’ is not today’s mistake.
Today, start by saying it’s IRRELEVANT.
Today, stay PRESENT.
Give THANKS, bow down.
Look up, SMILE up.
It’s never all DOOM and GLOOM.
It’s a balance.
It’s a circle: with great darkness come great light in the end.
With great power, come great responsibility.
Bow down again.
Allow yourself to be AMAZED. to be LOVED. to be KIND.
To be HUMAN.
There’s a meteor shower tonight. A beautiful, magical, dark meteor shower.
Go outside. Look at the sky.
Remember how blessed you are to be HERE.
“And if you feel damned,
just remember that
heroin is made of flowers
and you, are made of
~ Amanda Torroni
“All you have is your FIRE and the place you need to reach.” ~ Hozier
The last few weeks have been tough. Pressure all around, so many decisions and all I’ve been able to do mostly is read books, drink loads of coffee and watch crime TV shows.
And you know what?! Procrastinating is good sometimes. Learning this the hard way, but it is nonetheless an important lesson to learn.
Today I’m sharing with you something that reminded me how fragile a human life is, and how limited our time here actually is. I spend my days sometimes actually doing nothing, complaining that I don’t have this and that, and that I look like this and not like that or just wishing time would go by faster.
But what will happen when the time will actually move faster? What happens when I’ll wake up one day with no hope and no TIME to do all the things I’ve been writing down on my countless lists?
What will happen when I’m not going to wake up?
I will tell you what will happen. Nothing. That will be it – my chance in this life, in this body will be over. No more ‘time moves so fast these days’, or ‘I’m so bored, Ive got nothing to do’. No more time for complaining or actual living. No more.
It is in those moments that I panic and I look into my soul.
I am lost yes, but maybe that’s because some of us need to stay lost in order to help others find their way back to themselves.
It is in those moments that I remember to breathe, to Dream, to Hope, to LIVE. I remember that I’ve got this spark and that I don’t want to loose it. I remember that playing it Safe or Small is just something people invented in moments of FEAR.
And this next poem reminded me of who I am and why I’m here. I’ve mentioned it here, and today I’ll explain my motivation and my love for the words and ideas it contains, and how it’s been inspiring me to go back to myself.
Someone asked me if the poem impressed me, because I had tears in my eyes when I was presenting it. I said Yes, and one of the reasons why they got to me was because I saw the looks and tears in the eyes of some of my students.
I saw how important human connection is – how important spilling your guts and dreams into the world and let them inspire other people. I understood how important is to stand for what you believe in and that sometimes you just have to take a leap of Faith.
This poem moved me because it talks about just this: Life, Death, passing On, being true to oneself in a world that is constantly trying to shape us into a fitting form one way or another. It talks about remembering that we are all awesome, flawed, unique and different at the same time.
It talks about remembering that the most brilliant part of us is inside of us – not on the outside.
It reminded me that we are all Vessels, put on this earth for a reason, with a mission too.
Michael Lee – Pass On
He reaches down my soul and touches it with this poem. I get goosebumps every time I hear him perform it. I feel the pain in his words, but I also feel the hope and the fight. My favourite part of the whole poem speaks to me on a different level:
“We are not created or destroyed,
we are constantly transferred, shifted and renewed.
Everything we are is given to us.”
Every second of this short existence – we are transforming, we are changing. I am not the person I was a year ago, even though that person made me who I am today. I was given this life to do something, to create other life, but also to inspire creation and expression. And that’s what I plan to do.
Death does not come when a body is too exhausted to live
Death comes, because the brilliance inside us can only be contained for so long.
And at the end of my days, I will remember that I tried my best here, and I will embrace that next change as gracefully and as hole-heartedly as I will be allowed to.
I’ve learnt that when you feel at your lowest, and you feel lost and scared out of your mind – that’s when the true fight really begins.
That’s when you need to strip away all the things that aren’t really you, and you start giving way to your Dreams and Hopes. That’s when you spread your wings and you pick yourself up from the dirt.
That’s the moment when you get real with yourself and with your Time left on this earth.
And I hope you’ll do it sooner than later. I do try my best every day.. And yes, some days is harder to remember that, but even in the darkest moments, you’ll find Hope and Light in the most unexpected places. All you have to do is to TRY.
I am here because I want to leave my life a TESTAMENT.
I want to dance, paint, scream, fly, claw my way out of dirt, dream, drink, jump, write, suffer, be scared. I want to live RESTLESSLY. I want to squeeze the life out of my soul.
I want to say, at the end of my days that I did all that I wanted to do, I kissed the lips of people I loved, I’ve given my all and never settled for OK. I want to say I did all those things I wrote down on bucket lists. I want it ALL.
P.S.: If you want the entire transcript of this beautiful piece of work, click here.
Peace & Love,
Life is good sometimes. And other times, life is not so good.
We have ups, we have downs.
We all got problems, worries, things that give us get butterflies in our stomachs.
we all have things that we care about and things that annoys us.
we all work towards dreams, goals and achievements.
Sometimes we get so entangled in the material, that we forget stop and breathe and realise how far we have become.
some days we feel lost and scared; we feel like our worlds are coming down, crumbling to the floor in front of us.
Let’s just face it: sometimes life sucks.
But let’s also face the fact that we have an option every day: to make the change we are terrified of making or to stay in the same complacent position we were yesterday.
It’s all in your hands; the decision is yours.
Take me for example: I’m on this journey of self-discovery and of gypsying around the world, of exploring new cultures and learning from them.
It all sounds exciting and exhilarating and adventurous.
And don’t get me wrong, most days it is all of those things, and more. So much more.
Most days I go to bed with a heart filled with gratefulness and joy.
But I do have some days, like today when things suck. The pressure is high. The stakes are higher. Decisions, decisions, decisions. And all I’m asking is for a sign.
A sign that I’m going the right way, that I should follow dreams. Or a sign to go back home, get a full time job and be a ‘normal’ individual, with a 9-5 job, with taxes and student loans to pay.
I have days when something challenging happens, and I say to myself ‘That’s it, I had it. I am going home. No more adventures.’ But that, my friends, does not last long. I feel like I try to convince myself that what I’m doing here is crazy.
The notion of self-sabotage is so real. Stepping out of the comfort zone takes balls. It takes courage and determination.
But you know what determines your actual internal success and sets you apart? It’s hard work. It working towards that vision in your head, and not listening to critics and even to your dark demons.
Hard work is what gets you through the bad days. It’s actually how you get out of the comfort zone.
Just get your head in the game, and remember you it’s your choice.. it has always been your choice. A choice to size opportunities, bow dow and be grateful for whatever life throws at you; or the choice to ignore the signs and your heart.
“Focus on the opportunity, not the obstacles.” ~ Bert Jacobs
And today, I am grateful for the following things.
- For my two eyes. I can watch the sunrise, I can perceive all this beautiful colours around me, I can read.
- for old books and libraries. The two pillars of wisdom.
- spices and lemons. Life has to have some spice and seasoning in order to be fully enjoyed.
- nail polish. The redder, the better.
- living in all this different countries, seeing the world through different eyes
- having dreams and really fighting for them.
- coconut flakes. As for coconut, that’s how life should taste like.
- being able and willing to read and write.
- coffee. The divine ambrosia.
- fruity shower gel and hot water.
Peace & Love,
“I felt like crying but nothing came out. It was just a sort of sad sickness, sick sad, when you can’t feel any worse. I think you know it. I think everybody knows it now and then. But I think I have known it pretty often, too often.” ~Charles Bukowski
Some days are hard.
Some days we don’t feel like it’s worth getting out of bed.
Some days we don’t have the power to fight anymore.
And maybe some days we just want to punch someone in the face. That someone it’s most of the times yourself.
Some days it feels like we’re walking around with a cloud hanging over your head, and everything is grey and lifeless.
But then you get the days when you feel the world is at your feet.
The days when you feel like ‘the king’ of the world.The days when everything goes well, even strangers smile at you.
But then you remember: whatever you put in, you get back.
When you bring your A-game, you take every day as it is – with good and bad – when you remember that at the end of the day it’s not only about the targets you reached, the things you’ve accomplished – it’s also about the souls you touched and the journey that took you where you are.
It’s about the moments when you let go of appearances and show your true face to the world. The moments when you just decide it’s time to let go. Simply let go.
Don’t get lost in the material and forget the spiritual, the things/ feelings we cannot touch, but which matter nonetheless.
Who you truly are matters.
Don’t burry your dreams so deep that you forget them.
Don’t believe whatever you read or whatever others tell you about how you should or should not live.
Make your own Rules.
Choose your own Battles.
We are more than whatever the anyone else thinks we are.
We, as human beings, are pieces of stardust, of possibilities. We carry whole universes inside ourselves. We are magnificent.
We are Magic.
And don’t let anyone else tell you differently.
Peace & Love,
“If you cannot be a Poet, be the Poem.” ~ David Carradine
The stories we tell ourselves are Real.
They make up our worlds.
They keep the world turning.
These stories hold us together, but they also rip us apart.
Who are you?
Who are you really..?
When you let go of fear. Of impressing others. Who are you?
Who are you when your mind wanders?
Who are you when you read your favourite books?
Who are you when you hide away from civilisation and want to succumb to the world of dreams?
Who are you when you get emotional over the most trivial things..?
YOU are ALL those stories.
You are the feelings you felt in a moment.
You are the failures and the successes.
You are the tears spilled and the breaths used.
But I’ll tell you a secret: YOU are none of those things actually!
YOU are a collection of ALL those things and a bit more.
A WHOLE lot more, actually. Add some STARDUST to that recipe.
YOU are BEAUTIFUL.
Whatever you look like, wherever you come from, whatever you went through to get where you are today.
YOU, as a SOUL – you are beautiful. And worth it.
So, next time, tell this story to that ugly monster that’s trying to take over.
The story of how human and extra terrestrial you are. The story of how you’re much more than what you have or don’t have.
The story about how you are not your Flaws, or your imperfections or your scars. Nor you are not the beautiful, all made up and put together.
You are more than that. And ALL of that.
“My experience is what I agree to attend to. Only those items which I notice shape my mind.” ~ William James
Over the last two weeks, I have been debating if whether to write this post or not. But I feel like it has to be done.
I have started this blog because I wanted to share my life experiences with others. Hopefully inspire others to travel and live their lives the way they want to.I’ve been posting less and less over the last two months – I had this plan of writing few updates every week, but I’ve been living life between two extremes – being too busy and being too tired – I could not keep that promise I made to myself. And that’s a bad thing because it feels like I’ve disappointed a part of me. I’m even going to something that resembles a lot like writer’s block. I blame it on being too tired and not having a lot of time to myself. But still, I will try to put some thoughts on the paper.
I’m all about happiness, flower power and making the best with what you got. Being present in the moment. But honestly, after 9 weeks spent in a summer camp, with no more than 6 days off, things start to get a bit tangled up and messy.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve enjoyed every minute of it – the hard work, the early mornings, the late nights. The memories I’ve made (and still making) are priceless.What I’m trying to do with this post is to let people that are thinking of doing summer camp see the positives and the negatives of the job before heading out to a camp. It might or it might not be for you. Believe me, over the last few weeks, I’ve seen plenty of people that cracked under the pressure of the job. Or people that just cannot do it. Summer camp is not for everyone. It involves living and working with children 24/7, taking care of them, but also leading activities and take charge of the messy stuff. It’s not always happiness and good stuff. Things get tangled up, especially between staff – there are 1000 people at my camp – 300 staff. You think that’s a lot, but spending every moment of every day together, it’s nothing. Gossip takes over – everyone talks about everyone – everyone needs entertaining. People get into fights, people stay friends or breakup. The thing that gets to me is the lack of privacy. You will not have any privacy, you will probably live with children or with other staff.
Concepts like private space and personal belongings suddenly become very important.
I guess it should be about balancing the good things with the bad things, but sometimes the line is not defined. At all.
For some people is easier. For some people is very hard.
Nevertheless, this experience thought me a lot of things about myself that I would not have learnt under normal circumstances.Summer camps push limits; summer camp will bring you near the point of breaking down. You will either make it to the end or give up. And that’s ok – for both cases.
The most important thing to remember is not to loose yourself. Don’t loose your magic and the pixie dust.
Don’t loose yourself in the drama.A good exercise to do at the end of each day is a reflection of the good and bad stuff that you went through during the day. Try to relate that to your own personal values. Don’t be mean. Don’t judge. And smile. Summer camp will probably be a once-in-a lifetime experience. Peace and Love, M