“Be the kind of person you would like to meet.”
I’ve seen this quote the other day somewhere and it got me thinking about love for some reason. Or more precisely about how I love.
I’m the kind of person that expects a lot from herself and from what I want to achieve with my life and everything I do has to be as close to perfection as possible, or if not, it has to be the best I could do.
If I love, I love with all my heart and I go all in, as long as I feel the person at the end of this is in it for the long run – a ride or die kind of situation.
But what I’ve learnt over the last couple of months is that love is not perfect. It’s not meant to be perfect. Is meant to make you whole and anchor you.
But one thing that love has to be is Real.
If it doesn’t feel real, if it doesn’t feel rooted into something deeper than just words and bodily attraction.. You’d find yourself asking what’s the point. If they don’t see you through dark times, through bad times, through amazing times and uncomfortable times .. What is the point. Life’s too short for anything but that.
We are Water, after all – what Love should feel like.
I’ve been trying to add this concept to my life – being fluid like water.
Allow time and the wind of change move you and change you. Don’t say no, but don’t say yes either to things that you don’t want in your life.
Be a lighthouse, be a compass, be a Home to someone. Let someone know you enough so they can form the roots of a home deep within you.
Just let it Flow like a river. Let it get to your heart, let it grow and transform you. Or at least try. Give it a try. Open your heart to whatever love wants you to grow into.
Give it time..
“By my deer, I’ll be your meadow..”
This song has been my compass from the first time I listened to it.One of the only few feelings that touch my soul and make me connect with something greater inside of my soul.
This, describes for me the best what sort of love I want to live. The sort of love I want to allow myself to flourish with.
The sort of love I can call upon when the days get dark. The kind of love that sees through the facade.
If you are one of those people – they call us perfectionists – I hope you can find your happy place, and I hope you allow love to change you. If you are a soul that loves a perfectionist, I hope you find the strength to find a middle ground to allow this love to flourish.
I guess where I’m coming from with all of this is that we need not to loose hope, and we need to keep looking for this feeling, if we haven’t found it yet.
Because believe me, once love finds you, it will change you in ways you never even thought possible. Let us all hope we can allow this love to find us.
Be a lighthouse. Be a home. Be fluid. Allow time.
Peace & Love,
“All you have is your Fire, and the place you need to reach.”
Some days I wish I could run away.
Run far away, somewhere in nature, by the mountains, live in a small cabin gather woods for fire, wear thick wool jumpers, wake up at sunset, write , grow a vegetable garden and bathe my body into a river.
I wish I could bathe in a river right now. I wish it could wash it all away: my fears, my expectations, my desires and my hopes.
I wish I could come out of the river like a flying bird – free to be herself, to fly the skies, to provide for her babies and to fulfill the duty nature brought me here to fulfill..
The problem with Free spirits?
It’s very hard to put them back into little boxes once they’ve got a taste for ‘the big world’, for freedom, for being themselves and expressing themselves.
That’s also the ‘problem’ with consciousness. Once you get a taste of how great, and how much potential, and how much happiness you can bring to other people just by being yourself, it’s very hard not to be yourself.
It’s very hard to survive without prayer, without meditation, without being of use, without trying to walk gently the earth and leave something that will survive your frail body.
It’s very hard to deny your true self once you get a taste for all that you’re capable of doing. Small talk becomes useless. Gossiping becomes un-attractive when you understand everyone lives their life by their own rules.
The weight of the chances I never took weights more than all the mistakes I’ve ever made. I don’t have regrets, I try to learn from everything that comes my way, and try not to dwell on the unexpected that happened.
I dream of waking up one morning with an easy heart, open my windows, breath in the crisp air and feel it in my bones that I’m living on purpose, for a purpose.
I dream of waking up to a greater love rooted in my soul, that will envelop everything I do, everything I stand for and everything I am.
I dream of running bare-foot in the grass, of swimming naked in rivers, and digging my fingers into the dirt that we came from.
I dream of Freedom. Not being free from someone or something else.
Just being free. Free to live a life that I think is right. Living a life that I feel is right and living a life at peace with myself and others.
Because I realise now, to change the world we have to change ourselves and the way we think about ourselves and our lives. It’s very easy to put aside all these things that we’ve dreamt about, all these good and positive things and get caught up in the ‘daily struggle’ – chasing pay checks to make it from a month to the next, buying nice things to flash around at the flashy parties we’ll go over the weekend, drinking the strongest alcoholic drinks to fog our brain and soul.
It’s very, very easy to carry on doing that.
What’s harder is to sit and think, and ask ourselves if we are truly happy. It’s very hard to remember the little things that used to give us butterflies in our stomach. It is harder to remember when was the last time we felt Free.
I don’t think there is a right and a wrong way of living. But there is a way of living that is true to your soul and to what feels right in your heart. And that’s something I’ve been fighting a long time, something that I’m working towards.
I also think sharing our story, with all the good, bad and darkness, especially our wish for Freedom, may help others in their own search.
If we can’t all be liberators, let’s at least be Free Spirits, and hope that in our flight for a greater purpose, we’ll inspire others to let their own spirit birds fly.
Not a lot of people know or are aware of this, but I’ve been fighting my own mind for a very long time.
In the last couple of months this fight has materialised in a very debilitating case of anxiety. And I’m scared of going to the doctor, because that would mean admitting I have got a problem that I cannot control or fix on my own.
My partner asked me the other day how anxiety feels like. And besides the fact that I froze and panicked, and did not know how to explain to him how it feels like, you know what was the worst part? I was so ashamed that he’s got to deal with this, even though it is not his problem, but my own issue to sort. I was ashamed that I cannot bring a whole being with a healthy mind into our relationship..
And because I own it to myself more than anything, I think the time has come to seek out help.
And I am sharing these thoughts here with the world, because I think it’s time to stop judging others based on what we see on the outside, because some of us really fight hard battles with ourselves on a daily basis, but also because I owe an explanation to one of the most important people in my life – this below is an insight into my daily and continue battle with myself.
Of course, some days are better than others, especially the days (moments) when I am in control of everything I do, but when the low/panic days(moments) arrive, this below is how I feel like.
I feel like everything comes crashing down on me at the same time, and even normal daily stuff like calling a plumber or sorting something that broke around the house, or even sending an email to my landlord – all of these things make me anxious and scared. Scared how? Well for instance I don’t want to say something in that email that will make my landlord evict me, and I will be homeless. Silly perhaps, but this is how my thought process goes.
It’s feeling powerless because I’m stuck in another job that doesn’t fit my true nature, and it’s feeling like I’m running out of time to do all the important things I always dreamt of doing.
It’s putting on a fake smile on and looking at myself in the mirror, and being disappointed with what I see, but still lying to myself and carrying on with my day even though all I want to do is crawl under a rock and become as little as a grain of sand.
Is feeling like I don’t deserve this amazing person I have found, and expecting every day to receive a message saying that ‘the love is gone’ and that was it.
Is receiving a phone call telling me that my mother or sister are not well and I am unable to get to them because I am so far away.
Is feeling not good enough for anything or anyone in my life, no matter what I achieve, or how I look like.
Is avoiding eye-contact with strangers on the street sometimes, because I am afraid that if I look them in the eyes, I can feel the pain and sorrow they are carrying. A pain that I am unable to help with or fix.
Is starting to cry for no apparent reason, and only stopping after sobbing for a good while.
Is a feeling of loneliness that never goes away – even when people tell you that “they’re there for you”, I don’t want to disappoint or scare away the most important people in my life.
Is laying in bed at night and crying until I fall asleep because there are people out there without a home, freezing to death, and children are starving, and women are being raped and animals are being tortured every minute of every day.
And most basically. Is not feeling of any use or benefit to the world and people around you.
Some people might want to say “just get over yourself” and carry on with your life and think POSITIVE.
I used to be one of those people. But it is not easy to do so once something triggers a mental problem. And it’s clearly becoming really hard to pretend nothing is wrong, and that some days I don’t even know who I am.
Anxiety and mental problems is not something to joke about, make fun of or condemn. Making fun of someone because they are “crazy” or “not in the right mind” or “they’re just attention-seekers” is not fair. We’re all complex being, with our own struggles and wars to lead.
And some of us weren’t as lucky of being thought how to process emotions, and for some of us is hard to cope with life and this hard world some days.
“So many parts to a heavy heart” – it’s something that comes to my mind right now – what I’ve learned during my years of struggle is that fighting against our true nature (by doing something that doesn’t feel right, sometimes for instant or material gratification) creates an imbalance in the mind also. And without the right help and without having tools in place to control that imbalance, is very hard to cope with life.
I want to get better, I want to feel like a whole person that can manage her feelings of powerlessness better, and I want to be proud of the person I become and the person I want to be for my future children.
May this be of benefit. May you, just like I need to, realise that is nothing wrong with asking for help and fighting for your life.
And in the darkest times, when your world is falling apart, please listen to this song.
We are not alone, we’re children of the same Mother, all interconnected and we all have a purpose, even though is hard to see that right now..
That must be my greatest skill. I could spend long hours, sometimes days inside my head, running through events that have happened and decisions that I have made.
‘Have I really made the right decision?’; ‘What if that’s not actually what I want to do?’; ‘I should have not said that.’
Making big life-changing decisions is always scary. That’s why most of us never take that step, we never end a relationship that is not making us happy, a job that is nowhere near what we want to do, we don’t say what’s on our mind because we’re scared not to hurt the people around us.
And when we fit into that pattern, and we try not to upset people, it makes us happy in the moment, because we think we’re good people. But all the ‘niceness’ piles up and starts eating us from inside. Why?
Well I think that happens because we forget to listen to our souls, we shut down the person that we’re meant to be somewhere inside by fooling ourselves with the idea that we’re doing the right thing.
I think ‘the right thing to do’ should never stop us from staying true to ourselves. Of course, there are exceptions from the rule, and the fact that you need to stay true to your soul and your dreams doesn’t mean you don’t care about the people around you, or that you have stop doing things that you’re supposed to do.
It means finding your voice and sharing your truth with everyone, in a kind and understanding way. Not everyone will understand your reasoning behind some of your decisions, but that’s not what we should be looking for.
Giving up the past, the what ifs and the fear is not easy. It’s a damn scary thing to do! But I’ve learned that once you make a decision that felt right in your heart, you have to trust the process.
If it works out, you carry on from there and your path will be more clear. If it doesn’t work out, you let it go, dust yourself off and try again.
That’s where true beauty lies. In the moments when we’re reminded we are small and vulnerable human beings, and there will be times when mistakes will be made, and times when good decisions were made.
And I think that happens to remind us that this journey is far more important than the final destination.
It’s so easy to get caught up in the daily routine, especially when you try to give your all in everything you do, and try to be the best version of yourself every day.
I don’t strive for perfection. I know I will never achieve anything remotely close to perfection, but I do have great expectations of myself and of the way I live my life.
I like to hold myself accountable for every small and big thing that I do and that happens to me, because if I don’t, I loose track of the person I am, and the person I want to become – someone who will leave a positive imprint in this world. And I to tend to stick to the basics: be a good human being, help others, smile at strangers, keep an open mind and keep adventure close to my heart.
But sometimes I get caught in the daily routine. The boring, tiring and relentless office routine. The 9-5 routine as some people call it. The daily hassle.
Sometimes I just stop in the middle of a busy working day (all of my working days are busy), I look around and I’m surrounded by chaos all around, and I ask myself what’s the point of it all. How did I get stuck in here and why am I not out there exploring the world, meeting new people, raising puppies, watching sunsets and meditating at sunrise.
But then I remind myself of the temporariness of it all. I remind myself that this is how it’s meant to be for a while. To get where I want to get, I, like any human being in this world, have to go through the struggles, the fear, the pain of getting to where I am meant to get to.
I have faith in the journey, it’s just the process that scares me sometimes. But I wouldn’t be where I am today, if I lost that belief.
The belief that we are all destined for greatness.. Not extraordinary greatness, but day-to-day greatness. The kind of greatness that keeps you sane, the kind of greatness that comes from enjoying the little things in life, the kind that comes from helping one another. The kind of greatness that comes from sharing kisses that sweep you of your feet, the kind of moments that take your breath away.
The kind of simple, mundane things that make the journey worth a while.
And when you feel like giving up .. just keep going.
“If the path before you is clear, you’re probably on someone else’s path.”
I keep dreaming of the mountains. If I close my eyes, I can feel the fresh air in my lungs, the rustling of leaves beneath my feet and the birds singing somewhere far away.. I long for the mountains. I long for openness, vastness and wilderness.
I dream of cold October mornings, coffee and a little house in the woods. I dream of airports, living out of a suitcase again and strangers that become family.
I dream of road trips, bonfires and music that means something.
But I do know deep down that I will make those dreams come true.. Because some things you just have to trust. And I do trust my heart.
But for now I will let the music take me to those places, and remind me to keep my eyes on the prize this coming week.
“When I loose my head, I loose my spine..”
“Cross the border, into the big bad world..”
“I’ll ride my bike up to the world, down the streets right through the city..”
“I’ll be the Earth to ground you from the chaos all around.”
Because sometimes words are futile, and music needs to be felt.
“So many winding roads, so many miles to go and oh …”
“Soon I’ll be leaving.”
Whatever keeps us going, whatever makes us feel alive – focus on that.
It’s Autumn again.
The falling leaves, the cold mornings, and feeling the afternoon sun on my face.
Another year has passed, another Autumn arrives.
I try to practice what I preach, I try to remain true to my form and my beliefs as I immerse myself into the life of the ‘9 to 5 crew’.
I try to write, dream and make lists to keep myself going.
But as you might have noticed from my long absence, it’s very hard.
It hit me – this whole ‘be a grown up, settle down, get a real job’ – right where it hurts me most: my essence. My playful, hopeful and dreaming self has taken the hit this past year.
I don’t really like it – I hate it mostly, but I try my best to stay true to myself.
But I was talking to a friend about death and fears tonight- and how precious this time that we were given actually is. And I had an epiphany: I’m so scared of loosing people, feelings or things from my life.. I get hang up on them.
But I have to remind my silly self sometimes: the important stuff stays – old friends that become lovers, good times that become memories, dreams that become reality.
Everything transforms, everything changes constantly. But the essence of who we are and what made us who we are STAYS. We keep it inside, we carry it with us no matter where we end up.
And like most affairs of the heart (of my heart) – Autumn is a good time to come back to basics (my basics) and start working on my dreams again.
So if you’ll excuse me for now, I’m going back to my books, my lists and my inner fire.
You’ll hear from me sooner this time.
When what you feel, feels IRRELEVANT.
When what you listen to doesn’t inspire you anymore.
When what you write doesn’t sound like you anymore.
When what you experience are not feelings you choose to FEEL.
When the people around you only take but not give back.
It’s time to LET IT GO.
You’ve got the power every time.
Even when you think that power has been stollen, subdued from you.
Every moment it’s a chance to REINVENT yourself.
Yesterday’s ‘mistake’ is not today’s mistake.
Today, start by saying it’s IRRELEVANT.
Today, stay PRESENT.
Give THANKS, bow down.
Look up, SMILE up.
It’s never all DOOM and GLOOM.
It’s a balance.
It’s a circle: with great darkness come great light in the end.
With great power, come great responsibility.
Bow down again.
Allow yourself to be AMAZED. to be LOVED. to be KIND.
To be HUMAN.
To the fathers who contributed to our conceiving.
To the fathers who raised us.
The fathers who taught us how to ride a bike, fly a kite and held you tight through sickness and good times.
The fathers who showed up for graduations, parent meetings and school shows.
Happy Father’s Day to dads, daddies and dadas.
I’ve never had that. Any of the things above. I can’t even remember the last time my father told me he loved.
But I’ve learned a while back that is important to let go. And it’s also important to look ahead and forgive.
I’ve learnt that addiction runs in my family. I’ve learnt that addictions are the easy way down. They suck the life right out of your soul.
I’m also trying to learn how not to judge and to let go of the anger I’ve kept inside for so many years. And some days is easier than others. I’ve learnt (or tried to) not to place blame.
But today is bittersweet. And that’s okay. Life is bitter sometimes.
I think I need to wish Happy Father’s Day to the fathers who left, who broke down and lost their way. I would like to believe that in their own way, they did try. They did try to love us and hold us and heal us. It’s just that sometimes life gets messy and mean and dark.
But I choose to believe those dads loved us their own way once upon a time, and they looked at us with no remorse in their eyes and hearts. Once upon a time.
I decided to make a conscious effort to make sure that some day my children will have fathers, dads and dadas around to help them be better people, people that will give them a steady foundation and show them a better way to live.
That’s why I am so thankful for this bunch of people that I surround myself today. This community that allowed me to be myself.
That’s why I always come back. That’s why I try to spend more time with them. That’s why I want to built a community. That’s why I loose nights over becoming a better human. That’s why I wake up early. To work on myself the way these people inspired me to do about five years ago.
Because I’ve got people to look up at now. People that are helping me find my true path. I like to think I’ve got few fathers in my life now. It took me a while, but I am there.
So I need to wish Happy Father’s Day to my spiritual dads, the men that help me find my soul.
Thank you for believing in me.
I wrote this few hours ago, when part of what I’ve been building here over the last few months seems to be collapsing. some of the points i wrote below have been resonating with me for a while now, and some were realisations that happened while meditating and crying my heart out.
I’m sharing them with the world, not because i need any pity or i am in need of tmi. I’m sharing them because i think we all have these struggles. i can’t be that unique in my fear for loneliness and hope of acceptance.
But I know, even though I’m trying to reach out to others in my own way – some demons we need to face alone. We need to defeat them and rise above.
There is hope for all of us, lost souls, even on dark days.
oh, i hope it will rain already.
too much sunshine
too much love and caring around me
too much alcohol.
too much fun and laughter
but none for me,
they’re all a distant memory –
love, adventure, laughter.
adulting takes time and
and my blood cells are
growing older and older
there’s no time
we think there’s time
but time is all that we cannot buy.
i wish we could stop wishing days away
and bank holidays
there’s only NOW
that’s all we get,
but NOW is never enough
depression, drugs, alcohol
sex, addiction, suicide.
we’re all looking –
for a better place,
and we all forget to
live the NOW.
Find your Strong inside. Find your tokens to get you through the dark days. Stay Present. Please, stay present.
May it be of benefit,